Tuesdays with Gooley- Episode 23 | Hot Mess Mom

{disclaimer:? I am NOT Gooley..? On Tuesdays my friend Gooley guest posts.? These are HIS stories.? His life. His Antics.? Every other post on this blog is written by me.? EXCEPT for the ones titled ?Tuesday?s with Gooley?? Please don?t ever mistake MY messiness for his..? I am clean and I smell good}

Death, Dying, and the Meaning of Life? Suck it Monty Python.

Late Monday?.Few ideas?so, let?s talk about death and dying. Hooray!!!

I know. WTF? The truth is the subject fascinates me. The experience fascinates. Having witnessed several close family members slowly die of cancer, fascinated me. I have evolved an almost enthusiastic view of dying.

Weird huh? ?Don?t get me wrong, I?m not going to get all Kevorkian here. It?s just that I have seen the cycle and accept the inevitable. I trust that there is something on the ?other side? but am smart enough to leave it at that; I?ll understand when I get there. No need to spend the rest of my life in fear or worse; in some unnecessary search for meaning and right doing to secure some mythical ?place? in heaven. I call bullshit on the fairy tale distillation we are spoon-fed through biblical metaphors and bedtime stories. The acceptance I enjoy allows me to live with the absence of fear as it relates to my fate. And that?s awesome.

It?s important to note that I?m in a GREAT mood.? This is not one of my vodka soaked shoegazer ?woe is me? posts. This is genuine in terms of how mood matches subject. I know it?s a strange paradigm but one that I have come to embrace?even be called upon to navigate. The dying process, participated in and honored in a conscious way, is the most beautiful celebration of life imaginable.

Here?s how I got here. A bit of a stroll through the chapters of my life. These are the dog-eared pages that mark the passing of loved ones.

Age 16?Mom died. This one was a blur?in every way. I grew up in a cloud of denial partially perpetuated by knowing that Mom had cancer when I was 6 and not knowing the significance. I took cloudy comfort for all of those years in the fact that she would disappear every once in a while and come back ?ok.? The disappearance was to the cancer clinic for treatment. I was young and understandably my parents wanted to protect me from the darkness of inevitability.

I get this. It?s a natural response, so I appreciate them doing their part to preserve my childhood.

The truth was that she was dying. At age 16, while swimming in the waters of denial, I witnessed my mom die while aggressively ignoring the facts. I was closed, dark and unequipped. My family was doing the best they could to navigate these waters. All I remember was a lot of confusion, desperation and anger. It was dark and I had no context at that time in my life to process. When she died I went numb.

Age 30?Sister died.? Also known as the turning point. She was 42 and had lung cancer. She was a casual smoker and quit at age 30. WTF?? ?I was in the process of digging myself out of 7 years of bad decisions and at that point learned enough to at least be present and humble. Fortunately that was all I needed to do; stand back and witness divine orchestration unfolding all around me. It was fucking unbelievable.

By no means did I have my shit straight at that point in my life. Quite the opposite actually?but I had become aware at least that I had more important things to do and made a couple good decisions in the right direction. I had been searching for answers in books and philosophy at the time, so was beginning to create a language and context for the unknown forces that were propelling me. I was a spiritual infant?being called upon to guide this important dying event? unequipped in knowledge, though exuding ?something? through my ridiculous haze of ego and bad decisions.

A lot happened as my siblings all gathered together around my sister?s death bed as hospice supported our process. A LOT.? What happened in those days and minutes leading up to my sister?s passing shaped my life and can?t be easily explained. It simply informed me of that which pulsates around us and can?t be seen without looking with alternate glasses with an open heart. I will explain ?THE MOMENT,? which encapsulates the essence.

I was exhausted. My family was exhausted. My sister, Kathy, was the prime care giver and at the end of her rope trying to micromanage symptoms and making sure Barb was comfortable. Barb was in a hospice hospital bed in the living room. We all took turns on watch to make sure Barb was alive/comfortable. After my watch I passed out on the sofa a foot away from her bed.

All I remember is my sister Carol, waking me up with these words??Jim, I think Barbara is passing.? As that happened or right after, I don?t know; I felt a rush through my body and I let out a primal scream as my sister Kathy absorbed Barbara?s last breath while consoling her face to face. My family describes my scream as animal and they get a little nervous as they try to describe what they saw.

I fell off the couch breathless, confused and exhausted. There are many theories. I have mine. I know ? scratch that ? my whole BEING knows what happened. My family all felt the passing of my sister?s spirit as I felt it travel THROUGH me and off to somewhere.

We then sat around my dead sister for 6 hours. As a family.? Relieved. Laughing!! Making jokes about who was going to call the hearse. My brother ? who is not the king of emotional terrain ? famously offered, ?I can?t believe I am sitting in the same room as my dead sister, laughing, and don?t want to leave!?? Seriously it was beautiful, orchestrated, and REAL. Our family is not very good at bonding. We bonded for the first time that night.

Age 36?Dad died. At this point in my life I had a string of good decisions accumulated which were catapulted by the events witnessed 6 years prior. I had pursued my philosophical education and thought I knew some shit. So when my Dad was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, I intervened. With all of my knowledge, I took it upon myself to create a quality of life endgame for my father to adopt.? I was knee deep in Californication at the time. Rife frequencies, green food, vegan diets?the whole nine. I was on that shit. I negotiated with his primary care physicians and created a ?whole-istic? plan to preserve the best chance of quality of life. The doctors loved me?and by love I mean wanted to slap my psycho ass. The truth is I did have an effect and may have carved out 3 years of life after being told he had only months.

Gotta love my dad. I concocted a hideous health shake for him to ingest twice a day. He wouldn?t do it ? unless there was a shot of vodka in it?then it was ON. I see my future.

I downplay the significance of my involvement but I do hold that the 3 years he ENJOYED were only possible through an approach which took into consideration who he is and how he functions and then creating a plan in harmony with his psyche and motivations. His doctors learned to respect me.

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Age 40?Sister in law. ?The most humbling moment of my life. Just like Barb, the news was a surprise and the life expectancy short. Dana was given months and my brother was desperate. By this time, my family relied upon me for guidance in this realm.? I had chops in terms of different and effective ways to access optimal health. My brother dove in head first and became an expert in alternative therapy.

Sometimes, no matter what course one takes, it?s just your time. It was Dana?s time.

I will never forget. Accepting that her days were numbered, I flew to Nebraska to spend time with the family and pay last respects. I was hoping to share my great wisdom and soften the hard edges of death by levying my great spiritual knowledge. I was being called upon once again to minister the family and orchestrate the inevitable.

Fucking ego. Deflated in one epic exchange at Dana?s death bed.

Dana was on morphine and only occasionally conscious lying in her bed. My brother was ensconced in end life care?administering morphine, etc, etc. I was surveying the emotional landscape of the family and trying to connect all the dots and challenging people to communicate with each other and with Dana in ways that were outside of their comfort zone. I counseled. I pep talked. I got up in their grills. When I had determined in my ego governed brain that ?everyone was going to be ok,? I then chose my moment to visit Dana at the side of her bed. After all, I was in charge and it was my responsibility to take care of everyone.

So I conveyed to her in all sincerity that everyone was going to be fine and that it was ok for her to let go. ?It?s fine, Dana, everyone will be fine. You can let go now.?

Her response, Her CLEAR response was, ?Don?t do this to me. No. don?t. Get out.?

Humbled to the core?irreversibly and in instantly, I learned the power and meaning of these end life orchestrations. I listened to her, looked down, squeezed her hand and said thank you. I then walked back into the family environment and sat quiet for the rest of my visit.

Dana was in charge. The bigger, unseen part of Dana created an experience for everyone to participate and learn. I learned and I remain humble to this day. I may have knowledge. It may have value. I will share it if and only if it will serve to uplift.

?

A few universal hints have put this topic in front of my face so I?m glad to have the opportunity to hash it out and make it real again. Big Balls ain?t getting any younger. Family members are declining. The spirits of old friends and family are present in my psyche.? Where do I stand now? Still humbled. Still fearless. And reminded of the fragility of life. I just want to make mine count and love my friends and family NOW so I have nothing left unsaid when it?s all over.

Source: http://hotmessmom.com/tuesdays-with-gooley-episode-24/

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